Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000

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Oh, I had all manner of Spiffy Things to say about Coyote Ugly in this customary Leadoff Bit of mine - but I think I'll just cut to the chase with the one thing that kept overwhelming me throughout my whole time watching it: **YAWN** THE STORY (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**) Fame! I wanna live forev...oops, wrong flick. A mere 42 miles away from The Big Apple is still too far a distance to travel for Violet Sandford (Piper Perabo), a semi-orphaned songwriter who loves her Dad (John Goodman), but needs to prove that she can Make It There. Violet strikes out on her own, the naivete that surely comes from living a mere 42 miles away from The Big Apple, firmly in place. Of course, she soon learns that in the Mean Streets, it's a Dog-Eat-Dog world - and if she is indeed going to Make It, she'll have to develop a fiercer Bite. That, and stop being so gullible: a trait that made her fall for the oldest trick in the "new girl in the Big City" book when she's led to believe that smooth-talking busboy Kevin O'Donnell (Adam Garcia) is a music club owner. Though even that connection might not have done her much good: see, she has this big stage fright Issue. Seems like Violet just can't get a break. Enter the women of Coyote Ugly, a "bar" that sells more Funky Diva Attitude than it does booze. When Violet overhears Coyote Divas Zoe (Tyra Banks), Cammie (Izabella Miko), and Rachel (Bridget Moynahan), talking about how well they're paid for doing their combination bartender/dancer/Funky Diva Routine, Violet convinces bar owner Lil (Maria Bello) to let her become a Coyote, which might possibly become the avenue for her break into Show Bidness. And on tomorrow's episode of "All My Young And Restless Children"... THE UPSHOT Sorry, fellas; I know that many of y'all were chompin' at the bit to find a non-violent antidote to the ubiquitous Chick Flicks that you seem to think dominate movie screens. But to those who think that some anorexic-looking Victoria's Secret-wearing ubermodels shaking their booties on a bar provides that long-needed salvo, I ask you: is that really the best you could do? And I say it for a reason other than the one those of you who liked this flick, might like to believe. Nope, I ain't hatin' on those ubermodels because they're Beautiful. If I could be said to be hatin' on them at all, it's because Coyote's characters and their Issues were downright BORING. Snooze-worthy, ABC Afterschool Special-boring. And the worst thing about the movie trailers wasn't that they gave away the whole plot ["Plot? We don' need no stinkin' plot!"]; it's that the trailers pretty much showed all the movie's titsnass - which was the best, and most briefly shown, thing about this otherwise trite flick. I can just picture that first meeting by this movie's Powers That Be, when they heard about the real-life Coyote Ugly bar..."Hey guys!", I can hear them saying; "there's this great tittie bar over yonder where the girls jump up on the bar and get down, get funky, get loose, like TGI Fridays On Steroids, woohoo! Yeah, and they pour more liquor on themselves and on their customers than into the liquor glasses! Doesn't it sound Kewl? Shouldn't we make a Movie of it? Huh, storyline? Who needs a storyline? Let's just throw a few shots of titsnass in there, that'll make the horny 14-year-olds start buying tickets, yeah! Ok, ok, I guess we need some type of storyline, gosh darn it. Lesseee...nah, let's not bother with telling the story of how these girls came to be Coyotes; we just need 'em for tittielation. I got it: let's throw in an Obligatory Love Story between Violet and Aussie Dude Kevin! And let's have Kevin's past be Mysterious! And let's not forget to throw in something about her mother's Tragic Past and how it becomes Violet's Performance Anxiety Issue! And hey, d'ya think we might be able to work those backstreetnsync98degreesboys in there somewhere? No...ok then, let's just roll with what we've got, we'll make a Mint!" And as is usually the case, the short-sightedness of Hollywood types that see only dollar signs in front of their eyes when they're reading a script, screwed this pooch. They could've had an interesting, yet entertaining, look at the Stuff that made the real Coyote Ugly what it is [from all reports lately, a tourist attraction overrun with mouthbreathers who can't differentiate reality from movies. But I have little sympathy for the bar; hell, what'd they expect?] "Who needs to bother with that real-life thing?", Mr. Hollywood probably said; "We got titsnass!" Which would've been fine - except they didn't even have much of that; certainly not much more than they showed in the giveaway trailers. And minus the titsnass, the movie was one big snoozer. The actors, confined within the limitations of the script and direction, ["Ok girls, shake your booties! Ok, Cut! Ok Piper, you and Adam do something Mushy And Romantic here! Ok, Cut!] perform their dubious tasks adequately, though Piper Perabo just does nothing for me. She played naive as Just Plain Dumb, and the results of each of her actions were telegraphed a mile away [show of hands for those who know the answer to this one: what happens when you let your best friend store a big wad o' dough in your paper-thin-walled apartment's refrigerator? Thought so.] John Goodman's Big Lug Dad was amusing at first, but eventually wore as thin as Violet's walls. Bridget Moynahan showed some gusto as Scary Spice...er, Rachel, but it all really amounted to lame setups to show how well Violet could Overcome. Only Maria Bello showed up with any semblance of subtlety; her Lil was understated at first (if she was one of "Charlie's Angels", she'd be The Smart One), and I had high hopes for her. Until the writers dashed my hopes upon the Wall Of Happy Endings. bah. Hey, I don't see nuttin' wrong/with a little bump-n-grind. But too little, in a movie that's played up to be about Strong Chicks Owning Their Sexuality (but doesn't even come close) just grinds my gizzard. Forget the Brittany Spears angle and the dialogue even a porno writer would eschew; lets have more tittielation, Mr. Hollywood! THE "BLACK FACTOR"    [ObDisclaimer: We Are Not A Monolith] I have to give the filmmakers some credit in their adding a new twist on Diva's "Brotha Rule" in the form of Tyra Banks' character Zoe [though, I reckon that should really be the "Sista Rule", eh?]. And as a bonus (as well as an aside to Diva and Tanya), I got my first taste of the "Spot The Spot" game, in the form of the ObBlack wedding guest dancing with one of White guests (and trust me: it was mere Background Noise. If those two characters were dating one another, I'm Barbara Bush). You're right, Diva and Tanya: playing "Spot The Spot" can be fun! [I'll explain later, via email, to those who are curious about whathell "Spot The Spot" means] BAMMER'S BOTTOM LINE Take away the titsnass, and you have an "ABC Afternoon Special" story. They should do all the gawkers a favor, and wrap all the titsnass up in a bright red 15-minute-peepshow bow. Better yet, save the peepshow quarter, and just watch the commercials. Same difference. COYOTE UGLY:   Christina Agiluerra, Brittany Spears, Leann Rhimes...same difference. back to top And that's the way I see it. Rose "Bams" Cooper 3BlackChicks Review™ Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000 EMAIL: bams@3blackchicks.com    ICQ: 7760005 http://www.3blackchicks.com/